Category Archives: Life

To Be Fair

I don’t think even the smartest man on the planet could fix Twitter. Which is probably why he sold it to the dumbest man on the planet for $44 billion

The Perfect Gift

When buying a present for your loved one, why not give the gift of ClearKase, the only clear case for your iPhone that WON’T turn yellow and reek of piss after a day. Hi, I’m Casey Kleercays, CEO of RealKase International.

My team and I have spent the last few months scouring the globe for manufacturing partners who’ve perfected lightweight, translucent cases that don’t carry with them the dread stench of human urine.

After a full day in your pocket, most clear phone cases will have soaked your pockets with the foul reek of an open sewer, causing pedestrians to exaggeratedly pinch their nose and fan the air as you pass in the street.

Owners of other clear cases are no doubt familiar with babies bursting into tears as they approach, or dogs frantically scratching the ground – base animal instinct overcoming thousands of years of domestication, reacting to what their primitive brains assume can only be a giant pit of human excreta, but which is in fact just the subpar translucent case rotting slowly in your pockets

Our competitors might be content to saddle you with a wretched boondoggle, a filthy technological albatross that shames you and your family, but let me be crystal clear (like our cases!) – our products will never cause the spirits your ancestors to shudder and moan with despair when you snap them on. Order now for delivery by December 24th!

ClearKases are not available in stores. Do not attempt to wash a ClearKase.

Sorry for the lack of posts

Sorry about the recent delays between posts. I’ve just been feeling kind of down lately, so not up to writing much.

It just feels like I’m never going to meet that special someone who works at an experimental physics laboratory and when I go to visit them i get bitten by a radioactive spider and get superpowers.

A somewhat late, Halloween-inspired Story

Announcer: Hello, and welcome to America’s faaaaavorite gameshow – HOW! MUCH! MONEY! Ladies and gentleman, here’s your host Briiiiick Rockford!

<The studio erupts in applause. Brick comes bounding out, dressed in a creamsicle-orange tuxedo and carrying an old-timey stalk microphone>

Brick: Thank you! Thank you! Folks, we’ve got a fantastic set of contestants for you tonight…

<The applause surges and Brick pivots to wave to the entire audience>

Brick: Yes! Okay, thank you, thank you so much!

<applause continues unabated, Brick takes an overly formal bow like a robot>

Brick: Ladies and gentleman, please! That’s too much, you’re too kind

<he mimes shooting the crowd with a machine gun, chuckles, then throws away the imaginary gun with an “oh you” gesture, causing the audience to go even wilder>

Brick: Please….. Okay, wow
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Poems Inspired by Moving to Downtown Toronto (#2)

An angry young man yells
At a silver car, belching skidmarks

Later on the stoop outside work he will talk up the cute girl
who smokes outside, observing.
“Next time, I’ll pull a motherfucker out the car and beat his ass”

Next time, a Korean car named after a city in Arizona will squish his stupid little hat

Poems Inspired by Moving to Downtown Toronto

Little old lady on the sidewalk
when you are gone
who will rinse pollen off our sidewalks?

Terrible Taste in DVDs – Wildthings Edition

So, I’m on a bit of a tidy, organize, reduce kick at the moment. As such, I’m making an attempt to cut down on the number of DVDs I’ve got sitting around. This is no mean task – I have over the years accumulated a massive collection of DVDs, several of which are extraordinarily terrible. I blame this entirely on poor impulse control and an overly generous tendency to cut filmmakers slack. Slack which they do not deserve!

I thought it might be entertaining to go explain why I’m getting rid of some of these pieces of shit, and see exactly how much I can remember about them without watching anything or looking anything up. I am seriously not wasting any more of my life watching these movies.

Anyway, today I’m getting rid of Wildthings, which is this movie right here:Wildthings DVD
It was released in the late nineties, and stars Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, Denise Richards and Kevin Bacon. I actually totally forgot about Kevin Bacon in this movie until I looked at the cover art, which is not surprising since you full-on see his entire junk as he gets out of the shower. That’s the kind of thing you tend to want to forget, despite Mr. Bacon’s best efforts to show you Mini-Bacon in several of his movies (Hollowman, I’m looking at you).
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Green Thumbs Down

Hello! As it’s the summer, I’ve been spending most of my free time gardening. Or, more correctly “yard maintenance.” It is a situation that is too depressing to go into. It’s like a part-time job that doesn’t pay you.

I’m also playing a lot of inFamous for the PS3, which is a really great game. I believe I’m coming up on the end, judging on how much of the map is left, and how badly I’m getting the shit kicked out of me by hordes of well-trained snipers. I’ll have to try the game again on the evil side, worrying about civilians and my Karma accounts for a fair number of my deaths.


Hey, check out what M got for Christmas! The Lego Ultimate Collector’s Millenium Falcon. It’s the biggest kit Lego has ever made, at over 5000 pieces. Last year, she got me the Death Star II, which was 3400 pieces, and that took about 15 hours to build. So I’m expecting this to be an all-weekend project. It’s becoming something of a tradition to build some massive Star Wars Lego object. Last year was the Death Star, the year before that an AT-ST, and I think I assembled the Tie Fighter and X-Wing a few years before. The Ultimate Collector’s and Creator series are really the closest to my earliest experiences with lego. Very few fancy parts to overly simplify the building process, which means you get massive amounts of reusable pieces for making your own creations.

This is it after removing the shipping container.And here’s what it looks like after about 2-3 hours of sorting and preparation. I’m timing this based on watching David Spade’s “Take the Hit” and Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” back to back. I think I watched an episode of Naruto in there as well. Apparently, if you’re in the States, you can watch the entire show of “Raw” for free on, so that’s pretty cool. Anyway, back to the building.

I am Murloc!

Illidan Statue at Blizzcon '08

I somehow managed to survive Blizzcon ’08 without my feet exploding from standing in lines for 3 days straight. I’ll say this for Blizzard – they put on one hell of a convention for their fans! The tickets were $100 each, but I think they we got half that back in the goody bag alone. A starter pack of the WoW collectible card game, an account authenticator, three different keychains, and a 4-foot-long inflatable sword among other things. Oh, and a minature bottle of hand-sanitizer. Precious, precious hand-sanitizer.

I’d normally think using hand-sanitizer when you’re not a health-care professional would be a little extreme. I didn’t think that after I sat down at one of the communal Diablo 3 PCs. This is not a joke, or an exaggeration: One of the people who sat at or near that terminal before me smelt like a backed-up toilet. When buying a few shirts from the store, I stood behind a man who smelled like stale urine.

Probably the highlight of the show was the closing ceremony. Patton Oswalt did infact appear to do a show, and I hope some of it appears in his CD coming out next year. The in-house Blizzard band, Level 70 Elite Tauren Chieftan played 4 or 5 songs. For those of you not familiar with them, L70etc is a heavy-metal band made up of Blizzard employees, including the Art Director on vocals and the president of the company on Bass. Closing out the night was Videogames Live playing selections from various Blizzard games.

Unfortunately, I missed most of the section on Friday night hosted by Jay Mohr. I’d really liked to have seen the costume contest. Check out the winner. That turtle is not a dude in a costume.

I did get to see the Dance contest, though. Here’s the winner of that: