Hey, just thought I’d make a quick post to see if anybody is interested in investing in my latest business venture: baby carriages.
But these aren’t your regular old baby carriages, no sir. First off, the seat is the size of a park bench. The entire thing is made up of over 20 feet of aircraft grade, mandrel-bent, powder-blasted aluminum. The upholstery is by Coach, and comes with a matching handbag. The handlebars are wrapped in the finest lamb’s leather. The tires are the same rubber that NASA uses on the cars that the Mars Rover engineers drive, and the entire thing costs over thirteen thousand dollars. I already have orders for over 370 of them, so I’m just looking for the start-up capital to print out the brochures and to hire salespeople to guide customers through the personalization options.
Here’s what people are already saying about it:
“When I heard Soapbox Preacher was making baby carriages, I nearly shit my pants. The specs for this thing are out of this goddamn world! I mean, the main seat is like fucking two metres long. I can fit all three of my kids on that motherfucker. I could probably fit six of their friends too!”
“Current premium baby carriages only take up the space of two, maybe three people when I’m pushing it around the mall. If I’m perusing Sephora, I can’t have people going around me and getting the last Yves St. Laurent mascara before me, darling.”
“After talking to Soapbox Preacher, I began to worry that my current stroller couldn’t withstand a direct rocket strike. While he admitted that his own line of strollers would also be immediately incinerated in the same situation, I appreciated his honesty. Also, the fact that dirty poors will be unable to afford this, and I will therefore never be seen pushing the same stroller as one of them is just icing on the cake!”
“Look, it’s clear that you’re just making fun of us new parents, and it’s not cool, okay? I mean, I get it. Some of these things are enormous. I’m just too tired to argue with you about whether they’re necessary or not. Oh Christ, my baby vomited again. I have to go!”