Wow! Have you seen the latest Nickelback video for “Never Gonna Be Alone“? You haven’t? Oh man, it’s amazing. The video opens on a young woman on her wedding day. She arrives at the church, and makes her way to the alter to meet her future husband. As she turns back to look at her loving mother and father, we flashback in time to all the important moments of her life: graduating from university, high school prom - even her first bike ride! Each moment, her father is there for her. It’s awesome that he could be there for all the important moments of her life.

Then, we cut to her again, but as a young girl, attending her dad’s…. funeral? What the fuck! Holy shit, her dad is a motherfucking ghost! He’s been a ghost all this time! I have literally never been more surprised. Even the time when I watched Nickelback’s other video “Someday” and it turns out at the end that the Boyfriend that you thought was alive all along is also ghost! This was way more surprising, because I didn’t think anybody would be lazy and shitty enough to do exactly the same stupid video twice. Jesus christ. You have no idea what a strain it was to pretend I thought this garbage was amazing for two paragraphs.

A while ago, my friend Peter Lynn came up with an awesome way to annoy Nickelback lead singer, Chad Kroeger, by calling him Chad Nickelback. Seeing this terrible video inspired me to do this:

That little moustache you’ve got going on there is fucking gross, Chad. Also, if I was a female, I imagine that after looking at your picture, I would find my vagina clean and refreshed. That’s how douchey you look.

So I was wondering why I keep getting comments on my post about Spence Diamonds. It’s literally two years old at this point and the terrible commercials I was making fun of are long gone. Uh… I figured it out.

I have never laughed harder at anything I’ve ever done.

Hey, I was just talking to a friend and he told me this crazy rumour about “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. It seems that every morning after Seth wakes up, he pours himself a big mug of black coffee, which he then pours down the sink. He repeats this two more times before he pours a final cup to drink. Now, the reason he does this is apparently on the day Fox signed on for the first season of “Family Guy,” Seth spilt three cups of coffee because he was so nervous before the meeting with the Fox management. Now he does it every day for good luck!

And after he’s finished his cup of coffee, he goes down into the second, hidden, basement of his Hollywood mansion. There, he sacrifices a puppy on the black alter of his dark master. And when Seth dies at the height of his popularity, with 37 shows on TV, and at the ripe age of 666, the Devil himself will transport his body on a sled made from the bones of history’s greatest villains to the bowels of hell. And once he’s there, he will burn constantly on a pillar of black flame until the end of days.

And I was like “Seth MacFarlane? Doesn’t he have a third animated show coming out, starring Family Guy third-runger and all-around bland nobody Cleveland?” but my friend, having spoken aloud the name of the great deceiver, lay crumpled on the ground, eyes boiling in his skull.

Pretty crazy rumour, huh?

This may be the greatest webcomic of all time

http://www.chainsawsuit.com/20080328.shtml

At the urging of a bunch of friends, I’d signed up for a Facebook account about 4 or 5 months ago.

For those of you unfamiliar with Facebook, it’s one of several online social-networking portals, similar to Myspace, Friendster or ConnectU. At it’s heart, Facebook is designed to let you connect and talk to all the people you liked talking to during high-school/university/work, and also all the people you didn’t like talking to that much, but didn’t want to be rude. It does this by letting you maintain a list of “Friends”, which can be people you know from school, work, or that killer party at Brad’s parent’s cottage, oh my god we totally bonded, don’t you remember that?

Once “friended”, your friends can look at each other’s profile, as well as the profiles of their shared friends. Facebook also lets them upload pictures of the beautiful spouses and offspring that you don’t have, as well as letting them provide details about their lifestyles and jobs as a doctors/lawyers/International Rockstars/Millionaire Gadabouts. At present, there are no plans for allowing you to upload clips of yourself sobbing quietly on your couch.

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I was directed towards the webcomic EEGRA by a fellow on a forum. They’re all pretty funny, but I think the Bomberman comic is my favorite.

There’s a jewelery store here in Canada called Spence Diamonds, and they regularly purchase air time at my radio station of choice, 102.1 The Edge.

Now! Spence originally started pissing me off this past Christmas with ads that inferred if you didn’t lock your girl down with a ring, you were destined to end up lonely and alone. They weren’t even doing it in a “don’t you love her so much” way, they said it with “other guys are looking at her naked hand and smiling to themselves.” Never mind that I’m a bit sensitive about rings anyway, those kind of tactics are pretty uncool.
Recently, they’ve gone the other way. Spence Diamonds proprietor Sean Jones is coming up with the most ridiculously sappy garbage. Before I continue, I should add that they’ve also been doing something bizarre in the middle of their spots. Guitar riffs. Whenever Sean pauses in his sales pitch, some dude with two guitar lessons under his belt will wail something out for no reason. The end result is something like this:

Sean Jones: Some things in this world are mass-producible. But not love. It’s made from the twinkle of the January stars, the smell of fresh Strawberries and the laughter of children

Guitar: Byyyyyyyyyyeoooowww!

Sean Jones: That’s why each Spence Diamond is mined from the heart of Love mountain by a team of Teddy Bears and puppies, before being nestled in a bed of pure white dove feathers and carried by a pair of Cherubim to our showroom! Show her you’ll love her forever with an Eternity Necklace!

Guitar: Scccrreeeea!! Bwoop, bwoop! Screeeeeeeeeeaaa!

Sean Jones: And if you don’t buy it right now, Greg from accounting is going to sleep with her at the Team-building exercise in Ottawa next week. OBEY ME.

Guitar: Scribbidy-bippidy-boo!

Say, does anyone else smell burnt toast?

No? Nobody? I really smell some burnt toast… you used the toaster oven at lunch Rich. Did you burn some toast?

Are you sure? Oh, you didn’t have toast? Hmmm, well someone must have burnt some toast because the whole floor smells like it! Weird.

Okay, can no one else can smell that? It’s like someone burnt a whole loaf of toast. Wow…. so I’m the only one that can smell it? That is so odd.

All right. I’ve had enough of this smell. I’ve got to get out of here. I’m going to go pick up some coffee in my Ford Excursion, does anyone else want some? Jen, Brad, Ken… Seriously! Is someone wafting burnt toast at me, because that is not funny.

Nobody else? Paul? A large regular? Got it. Say Paul - you’re into cars. The brakes on my Excursion seem to require a lot of effort to push, should I get that looked at? I should? Okay, I guess I’ll do that tomorrow…

So no one else wants a coffee? Not even to dunk their burnt toast in? Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m the only one who can smell that!

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