Category Archives: Comedy - Page 2

We Contribute Nothing, and History Will Not Remember Us

I was directed towards the webcomic EEGRA by a fellow on a forum. They’re all pretty funny, but I think the Bomberman comic is my favorite.

Spence Diamonds, What are you thinking?

There’s a jewelery store here in Canada called Spence Diamonds, and they regularly purchase air time at my radio station of choice, 102.1 The Edge.

Now! Spence originally started pissing me off this past Christmas with ads that inferred if you didn’t lock your girl down with a ring, you were destined to end up lonely and alone. They weren’t even doing it in a “don’t you love her so much” way, they said it with “other guys are looking at her naked hand and smiling to themselves.” Never mind that I’m a bit sensitive about rings anyway, those kind of tactics are pretty uncool.
Recently, they’ve gone the other way. Spence Diamonds proprietor Sean Jones is coming up with the most ridiculously sappy garbage. Before I continue, I should add that they’ve also been doing something bizarre in the middle of their spots. Guitar riffs. Whenever Sean pauses in his sales pitch, some dude with two guitar lessons under his belt will wail something out for no reason. The end result is something like this:

Sean Jones: Some things in this world are mass-producible. But not love. It’s made from the twinkle of the January stars, the smell of fresh Strawberries and the laughter of children

Guitar: Byyyyyyyyyyeoooowww!

Sean Jones: That’s why each Spence Diamond is mined from the heart of Love mountain by a team of Teddy Bears and puppies, before being nestled in a bed of pure white dove feathers and carried by a pair of Cherubim to our showroom! Show her you’ll love her forever with an Eternity Necklace!

Guitar: Scccrreeeea!! Bwoop, bwoop! Screeeeeeeeeeaaa!

Sean Jones: And if you don’t buy it right now, Greg from accounting is going to sleep with her at the Team-building exercise in Ottawa next week. OBEY ME.

Guitar: Scribbidy-bippidy-boo!

Does anybody else smell that?

Say, does anyone else smell burnt toast?

No? Nobody? I really smell some burnt toast… you used the toaster oven at lunch Rich. Did you burn some toast?

Are you sure? Oh, you didn’t have toast? Hmmm, well someone must have burnt some toast because the whole floor smells like it! Weird.

Okay, can no one else can smell that? It’s like someone burnt a whole loaf of toast. Wow…. so I’m the only one that can smell it? That is so odd.

All right. I’ve had enough of this smell. I’ve got to get out of here. I’m going to go pick up some coffee in my Ford Excursion, does anyone else want some? Jen, Brad, Ken… Seriously! Is someone wafting burnt toast at me, because that is not funny.

Nobody else? Paul? A large regular? Got it. Say Paul – you’re into cars. The brakes on my Excursion seem to require a lot of effort to push, should I get that looked at? I should? Okay, I guess I’ll do that tomorrow…

So no one else wants a coffee? Not even to dunk their burnt toast in? Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m the only one who can smell that!

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