Rockstar Poopernova

I remember a time when a song had to do a little more than just repeat the chorus over and over again to be popular. All the DJs at The Edge jizz over Jack White (of The White Stripes) and his amazing song-writing ability. He writes so many songs, The White Stripes can’t record them all – he has to start another group, The Raconteurs*. Being comprised of members from a couple of other music groups, The Raconteurs classify as a supergroup, but I just discovered on Wikipedia that they don’t like to think of themselves as one. That is too bad, because you’re what the word was created to describe, Mr. Fussypants. You don’t get to avoid the label because you don’t want to be compared to Damn Yankees.

Here’s the entire lyrics for The Raconteur’s first hit song “Steady as she goes”**:

“Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)

So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)

Steady as she goes.” (x5)

And here’s the lyrics for the Raconteur’s second hit song “Level”:

“My baby’s on the level (my baby’s on the level)

I try to read her mind (I try to read her mind)

She’s on the straight and narrow (she’s on the straight and narrow)

I’m guessing all the time (I’m guessing all the time)” (x5)

Solid gold!

Now, I read on Peter’s blog that they’re preparing to bring the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC) online soon, which brings me to the inspiration for this post: Army of Anyone, a supergroup comprised of Richard Patrick from Filter, and the DeLeo brothers from Stone Temple Pilots.

The first Army of Anyone song has Richard singing the phrase “Heeeey, goodbye. I wish you stayed here, I wish you were here” over and over again for 4 minutes. Pretty dreadful.

What we, as a world, need to do, is somehow get Army of Anyone and Velvet Revolver to Switzerland, and we need to put them in the LHC and fire them at each other, much the same way we would a series of protons, ie: rapidly and violently. The purpose of this is to somehow smash the two groups together, hopefully recreating the Stone Temple Pilots from the mid-to-late-90s. Richard Patrick, who hasn’t written a good song since maaaaybe “Hey Man, Nice Shot” (although even then you can see his penchant for lyrical retardation) and the dessicated husks of the ex-Guns N’ Roses members would ideally be atomized, extracted from the acceleration apparatus, and blown out over the hills of Geneva.

We will, of course, have to test the LHC first before we put Army of Anyone and Velvet Revolver in the tubes. Apparently a concern with the LHC is that using it might accidentally create a Black Hole and destroy the earth. If this happens, I say we give the guys a rack of guitars, a couple of microphones and a lifetime record deal. After all, what better way to fight a phenomenon that devours everything than with two groups that can produce a nearly unlimited supply of poop?

* Whose website causes your browser window to be resized. I hate that!

** A song that has been nominated for a Grammy for Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal. What the fuuuuuck?

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