Hey, just thought I’d make a quick post to see if anybody is interested in investing in my latest business venture: baby carriages.
But these aren’t your regular old baby carriages, no sir. First off, the seat is the size of a park bench. The entire thing is made up of over 20 feet of aircraft grade, mandrel-bent, powder-blasted aluminum. The upholstery is by Coach, and comes with a matching handbag. The handlebars are wrapped in the finest lamb’s leather. The tires are the same rubber that NASA uses on the cars that the Mars Rover engineers drive, and the entire thing costs over thirteen thousand dollars. I already have orders for over 370 of them, so I’m just looking for the start-up capital to print out the brochures and to hire salespeople to guide customers through the personalization options.

Here’s what people are already saying about it:

“When I heard Soapbox Preacher was making baby carriages, I nearly shit my pants. The specs for this thing are out of this goddamn world, ya heard? I mean, the main seat is like fucking two metres long. I can fit all three of my kids on that motherfucker. I could probably fit another six!”

“Current premium baby carriages only take up the space of two, maybe three people when I’m pushing it around the mall. If I’m perusing Sephora, I can’t have people going around me and getting the last Yves St. Laurent mascara before me, darling.”

“After talking to Soapbox Preacher, I began to worry that my current stroller couldn’t withstand a direct rocket strike. While he admitted that his own line of strollers would also be immediately incinerated in the same situation, I appreciated his honesty. Also, the fact that dirty poors will be unable to afford this, and I will therefore never be seen pushing the same stroller as one of them is just icing on the cake!”

“Look, it’s clear that you’re just making fun of us new parents, and it’s not cool, okay? I mean, I get it. Some of these things are enormous. I’m just too tired to argue with you about whether they’re necessary or not. Oh Christ, my baby vomited again. I have to go!”

Thomas: “Good evening Master Timberlake. How was your afternoon?”

Justin: “Exciting! I took a spin down to that luxury car dealer on La Jolla Boulevard, and ran into that punk Justin Bieber and things got a little crazy. You know how it is!”

Thomas: “Excellent, sir. I have unfortunate news though – Your manager Lynn Harless called to say the online gossip sites are… ahem… ‘blowing up’ with rumours that you cheated on Jessica Biel with Daily Show Correspondent Olivia Munn.”

Justin: “Shit! Who snitched? You know what, never mind. Yeah I did it, but suckas gotta prooove it! Ha haaa!”

Thomas: “Shall I prepare a late dinner while you converse with Ms. Harless?”

Justin: “That’d be great. Oh, you know what? I don’t even know why I did this, but I bought two identical Lamborghini Gallardo’s this afternoon. I think it’s because I saw Bieber looking at one, and I didn’t want him to have it. Can you have the groundskeeper set one on fire, and drop it in the bottom of a quarry?”

Thomas: “I’ll order an immediate Charlie Sheen Special, sir.”

Justin: “You’re the best, Thomas.”

So, I’m on a bit of a tidy, organize, reduce kick at the moment. As such, I’m making an attempt to cut down on the number of DVDs I’ve got sitting around. This is no mean task – I have over the years accumulated a massive collection of DVDs, several of which are extraordinarily terrible. I blame this entirely on poor impulse control and an overly generous tendency to cut filmmakers slack. Slack which they do not deserve!

I thought it might be entertaining to go explain why I’m getting rid of some of these pieces of shit, and see exactly how much I can remember about them without watching anything or looking anything up. I am seriously not wasting any more of my life watching these movies.

Anyway, today I’m getting rid of Wildthings, which is this movie right here:
It was released in the late nineties, and stars Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, Denise Richards and Kevin Bacon. I actually totally forgot about Kevin Bacon in this movie until I looked at the cover art, which is not surprising since you full-on see his entire junk as he gets out of the shower. That’s the kind of thing you tend to want to forget, despite Mr. Bacon’s best efforts to show you Mini-Bacon in several of his movies (Hollowman, I’m looking at you).

The movie is perhaps most famous for the scene where Neve Campbell and Denise Richards make out. I don’t know if I actually bought this movie because of that, but I would like to direct your attention to this graph I made:

This graph is the “Desire To Own A Copy Of Wildthings” vs. “Availability of Internet Pornography.”

Now that I think about it, I remember buying this DVD because it was $15 and at the time Blockbuster was running a promotion where you could get 1 DVD free after buying three. This was back when DVDs just came out, were usually $40, and nobody knew if they were going to be the next Laserdisc or not. On a side note: this is a problem I decided to maximize by buying a DVD player that also included a Laserdisc player, meaning at best I would end up with a machine guaranteed to be at 50% obsolete. Like I said before – poor impulse control.

I’ve literally watched the movie once since owning it, and apart from the surprise shot of Kevin Bacon’s balls and wenis, the only other thing I remember is all of the characters being irredeemable back-stabbing pieces of shit, which really doesn’t make me want to watch it again. So, into the trash/sell pile you go!

There’s a series of commercials for Charmin toilet paper on tv here in Canada, featuring a family of cartoon bears who teach us about the perils of dingleberries and sopping up the results of a heavy night of binge honey consumption using super-absorbent toilet paper. (I’m not sure what that would be like, incidentally. Extra sticky?)

The most recent one has momma and papa bear sitting around a tree stump having a morning coffee. Papa asks momma bear if her little cup of espresso is really enough. When she offers him a sip, he exclaims “now that’s what I’m talking about!” What is what he’s been talking about? This bear is clearly trying to appear cooler than he is, by repeating words he’s overheard his teenage son use.

I’m also concerned about bears drinking coffee. Aren’t we better served by having sleepy bears?

Wow! Have you seen the latest Nickelback video for “Never Gonna Be Alone“? You haven’t? Oh man, it’s amazing. The video opens on a young woman on her wedding day. She arrives at the church, and makes her way to the alter to meet her future husband. As she turns back to look at her loving mother and father, we flashback in time to all the important moments of her life: graduating from university, high school prom – even her first bike ride! Each moment, her father is there for her. It’s awesome that he could be there for all the important moments of her life.

Then, we cut to her again, but as a young girl, attending her dad’s…. funeral? What the fuck! Holy shit, her dad is a motherfucking ghost! He’s been a ghost all this time! I have literally never been more surprised. Even the time when I watched Nickelback’s other video “Someday” and it turns out at the end that the Boyfriend that you thought was alive all along is also ghost! This was way more surprising, because I didn’t think anybody would be lazy and shitty enough to do exactly the same stupid video twice. Jesus christ. You have no idea what a strain it was to pretend I thought this garbage was amazing for two paragraphs.

A while ago, my friend Peter Lynn came up with an awesome way to annoy Nickelback lead singer, Chad Kroeger, by calling him Chad Nickelback. Seeing this terrible video inspired me to do this:

That little moustache you’ve got going on there is fucking gross, Chad. Also, if I was a female, I imagine that after looking at your picture, I would find my vagina clean and refreshed. That’s how douchey you look.

So I was wondering why I keep getting comments on my post about Spence Diamonds. It’s literally two years old at this point and the terrible commercials I was making fun of are long gone. Uh… I figured it out.

I have never laughed harder at anything I’ve ever done.

Hey, I was just talking to a friend and he told me this crazy rumour about “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. It seems that every morning after Seth wakes up, he pours himself a big mug of black coffee, which he then pours down the sink. He repeats this two more times before he pours a final cup to drink. Now, the reason he does this is apparently on the day Fox signed on for the first season of “Family Guy,” Seth spilt three cups of coffee because he was so nervous before the meeting with the Fox management. Now he does it every day for good luck!

And after he’s finished his cup of coffee, he goes down into the second, hidden, basement of his Hollywood mansion. There, he sacrifices a puppy on the black alter of his dark master. And when Seth dies at the height of his popularity, with 37 shows on TV, and at the ripe age of 666, the Devil himself will transport his body on a sled made from the bones of history’s greatest villains to the bowels of hell. And once he’s there, he will burn constantly on a pillar of black flame until the end of days.

And I was like “Seth MacFarlane? Doesn’t he have a third animated show coming out, starring Family Guy third-runger and all-around bland nobody Cleveland?” but my friend, having spoken aloud the name of the great deceiver, lay crumpled on the ground, eyes boiling in his skull.

Pretty crazy rumour, huh?

This may be the greatest webcomic of all time

http://chainsawsuit.com/2008/03/28/strip-345/

At the urging of a bunch of friends, I’d signed up for a Facebook account about 4 or 5 months ago.

For those of you unfamiliar with Facebook, it’s one of several online social-networking portals, similar to Myspace, Friendster or ConnectU. At it’s heart, Facebook is designed to let you connect and talk to all the people you liked talking to during high-school/university/work, and also all the people you didn’t like talking to that much, but didn’t want to be rude. It does this by letting you maintain a list of “Friends”, which can be people you know from school, work, or that killer party at Brad’s parent’s cottage, oh my god we totally bonded, don’t you remember that?

Once “friended”, your friends can look at each other’s profile, as well as the profiles of their shared friends. Facebook also lets them upload pictures of the beautiful spouses and offspring that you don’t have, as well as letting them provide details about their lifestyles and jobs as a doctors/lawyers/International Rockstars/Millionaire Gadabouts. At present, there are no plans for allowing you to upload clips of yourself sobbing quietly on your couch.

Using the web-based browser interface, people all over the world can log into Facebook every ten minutes to check if anyone new has added them to their friends list. They can also use Facebook to send email to potential friends, asking them “Yo dude, you on Facebook yet?” There is no time restriction on this feature. This is important, because similar to Myspace, if you don’t maintain a healthy number of Facebook friends, the government can kick you off the Internet.

In exchange for having access to a complete list of your closest acquaintances, your political and religious leanings, favorite movies, books, television shows, your marital status, gender and birthdate, as well as optionally your picture and address, Facebook lets you send text messages to your friends, which are stored in their account and can be read at a later date. Think of these messages like a sort of “mail” that is transmitted “electronically”. If that sounds too future high-tech for you, Facebook also provides each account with a”wall” that your friends can write messages on. Here’s a good way to think about it: Instead of putting your mail in an envelope and then in a mailbox, you write the mail on the outside “wall” of your house, where everyone can read it. And then, instead of having a postal service take the mail out of the mailbox and deliver it to the addressee, the addressee has to drive by your house every 10 minutes to see if there’s anything written there for them.Optionally, you can have Facebook send a message to their email account, saying that there is a message on their wall. One might question why you need Facebook to email people telling them they have email, but one would be forgetting that on the Internet, if you can’t prove you have friends, then they don’t exist.

However, not everything is so touchy-feely on Facebook. After all, ex-Harvard students with millions in venture capital and a looming 10 billion dollar IPO have to eat too! In order to do so, Facebook places ads in your browser window, and also lets you buy “gifts” for your friends from the marketplace. Each gift is a picture of a real item, and costs a real dollar. So, if you’re trying to impress the object of your affection, don’t skimp out and buy them a picture of a bouquet of roses – buy them a picture of a Porsche, Big Spender! This feature should really appeal to people who think that Xbox Achievements and six-dollar Guitar Hero 2 song packs are a great deal.

Finally, the coolest thing about Facebook is the wide variety of applets you can download for your Facebook homepage. One of the most popular applets is a Wall applet that functions completely identically to the existing Facebook Wall, but non-optionally sends all your private info to a nebulous third-party. Another is Scrabulous, which is like the word-puzzle game Scrabble, except a lot faster because it doesn’t have to spend a lot of time paying the trademark holders or performing R&D on game development.

If Scrabulous isn’t your thing, there are also a wide variety of other popular games to play, such as Zombies, in which you try to bite your friends to turn them into zombies, Vampires, in which you try to bite your friends to turn them into vampires, and Werewolves, in which you try to bite your friends to turn them into werewolves.

Oops, I just got an email saying someone scored higher in a movie quiz than I did! Gotta go!