When I hooked up my camera to download the pictures of the Too Human magazine cover, I discovered a bunch of photos I hadn’t bothered to transfer yet. One of them was this:
This is the Burger King Bacon Double Homestyle Melt, probably the most vile hamburger I’ve ever tasted. It was so foul that it made me scour the house for my misplaced camera, so that I could take a picture and one day document this processed package of putrescence.
“Hey, Soapbox Preacher” you’re probably thinking, “how can you go wrong with the Melt? Aren’t you a big fan of bacon double cheeseburgers? I mean, aren’t you a fatty?” First off, shut up. Secondly, how can a melt go wrong? Read on!
The Bacon Double Homestyle Melt is two hamburger patties, three slices of swiss cheese, and a couple of strips of bacon. Nothing special so far, right? That’s basically a bacon double cheeseburger. Now add two slices of butter-flavoured sourdough bread, cover the whole thing in creamy garlic sauce, and microwave it for 10 seconds before serving it out of a drive-through window.
Your first bite of the Melt will surprise you, unless you’re expecting to bite into a zit made of beef. The construction of the bread, as well as the three slices of cheese creates a reservoir of oil at the top and bottom of the sandwich that would give Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson a boner the size of Staten Island. As your teeth slice through the too-soft sourdough casing, the pressure will force both oil pools to jet into your mouth, filling it with a hearty dose of the 20 grams of saturated fat and 1370 mg of sodium contained in the sandwich. The structural integrity of the crust sidewalls thusly breached, the Melt will start to fall apart, the rear half sliding backwards onto the crumpled wax paper, until you’re left with a sloppy pile of bacon, oil, and beef on the table, and a half-crescent handful of sandwich, bearing the heavy indents of the maximum four fingers you’ll want to use to pinch this fast food miscreant down (lest all your fingers be saturated with the smell of the Melt for the next day, as mine were).
I managed three bites before it was disposed of. Each successive bite was followed by the thought “this wasn’t what I was promised at all!”
I’d love to be able to eat that. Since the last we spoke, I’m now a lactose intolerant, celiac freak. So totally gay.